


Confidence and Desire

by MBlair



Series: Star Wars Assorted Stories [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Rey (Star Wars), F/M, Female Masturbation, Happy Ending, My First Smut, Past Rey/Kaydel Ko Connix, Smut, Virgin Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:41:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29233935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MBlair/pseuds/MBlair
Summary: “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually, the confidence will follow.” - Carrie Fisher
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Star Wars Assorted Stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062563
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22
Collections: To Find Your Kiss: The Reylo Fanfiction Anthology's Valentine's Day Exchange





	Confidence and Desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LittleLostStar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLostStar/gifts).



> Hello friends and lovely readers! 
> 
> So, this story was a labor of love for me over the past few weeks and is my proud addition to the To Find Your Kiss: The Reylo Fanfiction Anthology's Valentine's Day Exchange! It's a few firsts for me as well, my first time writing smut in any kind of fic, my first time using Tinder (as those who know me understand, it's not my cup of tea), and the longest one-shot I have ever posted! 
> 
> To my lovely recipient, I really hope you like it! It's been a long time since I've worked so hard on a fic, so I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it! 
> 
> Also, comment moderation is disabled now for this fic. I'm not accepting negativity in the comments for my interpretation or presentation of certain character or plot elements. If you don't like it, please feel free to backspace out instead of leaving a nasty comment. You won't hurt my feelings.

“Rey, are you coming? We’re going to be late for class,” Rose shouted from the common room of their shared dorm apartment, the toe of her combat boot tapping impatiently against the floor. She checked her watch, seeing that they would be late for class if Rey didn’t walk out of her room just then, not with the fifteen-minute walk across campus. Checking her watch one more time and hearing movement but no sign that she would be ready in the next thirty seconds, Rose shook her head and turned around to leave. If Rey was going to class, she could get there on her own. 

***

As it turned out, Rey was coming, though not at all in the way Rose meant.

It was far too easy for Rey to lose herself in this, in the repetitive movements and the sparks of electricity that made her gasp and moan. She knew that she indulged herself in this rhythmic, primal dance a bit too often to be “proper” but she had never been proper or usual a day in her life. Nothing about it sounded appealing or normal to her, so Rey knew that it wouldn’t be proper for _her_ to try to achieve it. She fell into the feelings and happiness she felt afterward like diving into a waterfall, almost like she was still cared for and loved, even if it was just by herself. 

A pinch. A rub. A moan. 

Rey could feel each touch, every swipe of fingers over a sensitive place, almost as if another pair of hands were joining hers in roaming over her body. A pair of small, soft, tender hands...as familiar as her own, knowing exactly where to move, how much pressure to apply. Thoughts of those hands brought back memories of nights long passed, both welcome and unwelcome. Nights with a woman that she loved, loved so much but would never be able to admit it. 

“Kaydel,” Rey moaned desperately, her fingers rubbing over her clit and making fire burst in her belly, ready to consume everything in its path. Soon enough, the image of the very woman she called for burst into her mind, and the floodgates of her body released at the same moment, leaving only euphoria in their wake. As thoughts began to return to her brain, Rey realized her mistake, the one she continually made and couldn’t let go of, imagining the one woman she couldn’t and wouldn’t ever have again. It was over. She needed to move on and never let what happened with that perfect woman ever happen again. 

Once her breathing returned to normal and the sharp sparks of electricity began to settle, her hand reached toward the nightstand shelf, pulling out a long, thin object that began to buzz and hum with just a press of a button at the end. 

As she slid it inside smoothly, Rey closed her eyes and tilted her head back onto the pillow, her back arching as the sensation. It was easy to lose herself in the sensations that the toy in combination with her hands, the thoughts of someone else touching her. Now instead of a pair of small, soft hands, they were larger, rougher. The voice in her ear lower and raspy, telling her exactly how perfect she sounded, how beautiful she was underneath him. 

“That’s it, beautiful,” the voice whispered in her head, though Rey had no idea where it came from. It didn’t matter though, because somehow he was here -- wanting _her_. Even if he only existed in her head. “Touch yourself for me… Make yourself feel good.” 

Rey closed her eyes to find a pair of dark ones staring at her, curious but full of longing for her. She slid the vibrator out and let it settle against her clit, the gentle hum just enough to keep her on edge as her other hand dove into the drawer again and pulled out something far more...appropriate for the fantasy currently floating in her mind. 

“Are you ready for me, sweetheart,” the voice asked, the very real and heavy feeling of his cock pressed against her. Rey nodded, not in her mind enough to be embarrassed by her eagerness. The stretch and satisfying fullness brought out a high and desperate moan, as did each hard thrust as they moved together, both seeking the same glorious end… 

***

“Ah, Miss Johnson, thank you for finally joining us. Take your seat,” the voice from just beside the door said as it closed behind her. The not so subtle condescension in his voice that always made Rey feel like he hated her was exactly why she dreaded any time she had to spend with Professor Skywalker. Holding her books close to her chest, Rey quickly made her way to the back of the lecture hall, sliding into a seat right beside Rose. 

It took a few minutes of quiet, save for the renewed lecture, for Rose to comment. “If you had just come when I called you, that wouldn’t have happened.”

“Or I should have just skipped this stupid class. I’m going to fail anyway,” Rey replied, trying to calm the humiliated pit on her stomach. “Anyone with eyes can see he hates me.”

Rose rolled her eyes, absentmindedly taking her notes. “Oh stop, you’re the best student in this class. If you still failed, it would be unethical at best, especially since there’s nothing about attendance in the syllabus. Though, I should ask...what were you even doing that had you so distracted anyway?”

Rey stayed silent to that question and that was answer enough for Rose. Fortunately for Rey, her roommate and best friend had the foresight not to look or act surprised, especially surrounded by so many people. 

“We need to get you a date, girl,” came the thoroughly honest assessment that Rey was expecting.

“Rose, you have no idea.”

***

It wasn’t until that evening, surrounded by junk food and plenty of alcohol that “Operation: Find Rey A Date” was officially underway. 

“Alright, so there’s Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish..,” Rose said, scrolling down her phone naming every dating app under the sun one by one. While Rey couldn’t quite tell if these were just the top listings from the App Store or all she used or tried, especially since Rose was going out of her way to keep her screen hidden. 

“You know, you could always...” Rose stopped before she finished the sentence, glancing over at Rey to gauge her reaction. 

“No, Rose. I’m not calling Kaydel,” Rey replied, picking up her glass of wine. She drained the glass before getting up to put it in the sink. Getting drunk and crying over her ex was the last thing she wanted out of the evening, especially when she was already feeling pathetic. “The last thing I want to do is go running back to my ex just because I’m lonely and horny. Besides...I doubt she would want to see me anyway.”

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you two?”

“I will, someday. Just...not right now. Not yet.”

Rose stared at Rey for a few moments, which Rey pointedly ignored. She didn’t need or want any more pity from her friends and classmates, there had been enough of it the night Rey turned up after a long night, soaked from the rain and crying. Though it had been nearly two months since that night, Rey still hadn’t said a word. Ever since that night, Rey had avoided the subject like the plague, and not even Kaydel, who was still kind but kept her distance, would discuss it. “Just talk to Rey, because I don’t know either,” she would say, leaving everyone as in the dark as they were when they started. 

“Okay, okay,” Rose replied, rubbing Rey’s shoulder. “I’ll leave it be.”

It didn’t take long for Rey to break, unable to take the silence apart from Rose’s quiet scrolling and mutterings, debating the pros and cons of each dating app over the others. It was time to stop being alone. She held her hand out for the phone, drinking the rest of her wine with the other. 

“Are you sure? I still haven’t chosen the right one,” Rose said, finally allowing herself to look at Rey again. 

Rey tried not to roll her eyes. Rose was her best friend, the only one who had ever stuck by her through everything, even when she was at her worst. Rey would never admit what she knew in her heart, she never deserved anything close to a friend like Rose, especially now. “Rose,” she asked, softening her expression from irritation to something altogether more pleasant, “What’s the first app on the list? No pros or cons, just the very first one there.”

“Tinder, but it’s not really the best for a date. It’s a hookup app.”

“Exactly what I’m looking for, Rose. I know what I want.”

***

It wasn’t until midnight, after nearly a bottle of wine and enough pizza to know she’ll be running for the treadmill in the morning, that Rey settled herself into bed and unlocked her phone, and found the newly downloaded Tinder app. 

“Alright, I can do this… It’s a good idea,” she whispered to herself, opening the app and making an account. The nerves set in as soon as the first picture popped up. “This isn’t a relationship, it’s just a date. Just sex. That’s it.”

_Swipe left._

Too boring. 

_Swipe left._

Too pretty. 

_Swipe left._

Too...familiar. 

_Swipe left..._

Her finger paused over the screen when she saw the next picture, both familiar and unfamiliar all at once. He was cute, gorgeous really, with his long, dark hair and pretty eyes. There wasn’t much on his profile beyond his name and age, slightly older than her but not enough to matter. 

“So, Ben Solo… Let’s see what you’ve got,” she said, scrolling through the pictures before deciding. 

_Swipe right._

**_It’s a match!_ **

_Cute smile? What makes it come out the most?_

**I guess it depends on who is making me smile.**

_Fair point. Guess you have to find the right person._

**Any person can be the right person for a night, don’t you think?**

_Shouldn’t that be a question I ask you?_

**You don’t sound at all like how I expected.**

_What did you expect?_

**For you to come up with a few charming pickup lines then ask me to come over.**

_Does that disappoint you?_

**No! I like it. It’s like you’re a real person.**

_Well, I very much am a real person. I like it too though._

**I’m Rey. Though, you probably know that by now.**

_I’m Ben. It’s nice to meet you._

**It’s nice to meet you too.**

***

“You look chipper this morning,” Rose commented as Rey poured herself a cup of coffee, making Rey roll her eyes, but keeping the small smile she had had on her face all morning. “I haven’t seen that look in a while. Good night?” 

“Maybe,” she replied simply, though it was enough to earn a squeal and a tossed mug nearly half full of coffee. Rey caught it with a laugh, putting the mug down on the counter. “I swear, you are ridiculous. We only talked for a bit, but it was...nice. It’s been a while.” 

“Okay, okay, I’m going to try very hard not to be jealous that you met someone on the first night.” 

“Oh stop, Rose,” she replied again, finishing up her coffee and putting the mug in the sink. Turning around, she walked back to her room to finish getting ready, not even having to look and see if Rose was following. “It was just talking. It’s not like I went and hooked up with the guy.”

“Alright, but still it’s something. Who is it? What did you talk about? Tell me _everything,_ ” Rose said, following behind and sitting on Rey’s bed. 

“His name is Ben, he’s a junior, I think. Football player, judging by the pictures,” she said, gesturing toward her unlocked phone as she pulled a sweater on over her head. “I have to admit, I didn’t think I’d like a guy who would open with such a cheesy pickup line, but...I don’t know. We’ll see.”

The look of surprise and _shock_ on Rose’s face made the nervous pit in Rey’s stomach, which she would never admit to anyone, grew. It was never a good thing to see that look. It came with a shake of the head, another harbinger of doom. Rey knew now, she was heading down the wrong road, at least according to her best friend. “Wait, Ben Solo. You’re talking to _him_?”

“Um...yes?”

A sigh. Another shake of the head as Rose dropped the phone gently on the mattress. “Oh honey, you sure know how to pick them.” 

Once she was dressed, a short black skirt paired with a burgundy sweater, one could never be too cute when looking for a new date, after all, Rey crossed her arms across her chest. “Alright, I’ll bite. What’s wrong with him?”

“One, he’s a huge asshole. Doesn’t talk to anyone that’s not in his “inner circle”,” she said, counting the reasons out on her fingers. “Two, he has a _huge_ playboy reputation when it comes to girls. Meets them and dumps them just as fast. I mean...I can’t blame him for getting any girl he wants, but you don’t need a guy like that. Don’t you want someone good? That’ll treat you right?”

***

Rey laid back in her bed a few hours later, staring at the ceiling as she thought about everything that Rose had said that morning. _Of course,_ she wanted someone good, someone, to just...have fun with, not have to worry about messy feelings but also know that they cared. Just when her thoughts were taking a turn that she didn’t want, where all roads led back to Kaydel, her phone pinged with a new message. 

_I’m learning about important dates in history. Want to be one of them?_

**Haha, that’s funny.**

**You seem to enjoy your pick up lines.**

  
  


_My roommate keeps bothering me until I say them. Keeps saying it’s how he got his boyfriend, so they work._

**He sounds like a character.**

**You would think that you would be able to get girls pretty easily though.**

**My roommate has had plenty to say about you.**

_…_

_What did they say?_

**That you have a reputation. That you’re a guy who will dump a girl just as soon as you start seeing her.**

**I guess it makes sense then. You being here.**

**And you’ve seen yourself… I don’t blame you, you’re a guy. An attractive one at that.**

**I’m rambling. Shut up, Rey.**

_You seem disappointed though._

**I don’t know. It’s silly.**

**It’s not like I’m looking for a relationship. Who actually is here?**

_I guess all I can say is don’t believe everything you hear._

***

_What’s your favorite kind of coffee?_

**No cheesy line this time? I’m a little disappointed. :(**

_Sorry, the one I was told this morning was far too...forward._

_Despite how we met, you’re still a lady._

**Well, aren’t you the gentleman?**

**Black. No cream. No sugar.**

**What’s your favorite color?**

_Red._

“I don’t believe you are listening to me, Miss Johnson. Kindly return to the lecture if you please,” a voice both annoyed and annoying enough to make Rey grind her teeth said from the front of the lecture hall, breaking her thoughts away from the fascinating man she had lately become so preoccupied with. “I believe I asked you for your thoughts on the subject.”

“Well, first off, I want to say that I absolutely agree with Jessica on her take. History in itself is all dependent on not only the point of view of whoever is recording it, their own biases on both the people involved as well as the events that took place, but also the biases of the people who are absorbing it. What you, for example, take from this document could be very different than my opinion,” Rey explained, flipping back a few pages in her open textbook. 

“And as Dr. Ambrose writes here in the opening paragraphs of this chapter, we can’t take a single document or account on an event of the person as an absolute rendering of what happened. We can’t because who knows what this writer missed, what biases they brought to the table. So, to answer your question, no we can’t just trust this document as gospel. We have to keep our eyes open to all accounts to truly get the real story.” 

Rey took a breath, feeling the eyes of everyone in the room on her. She doubted that anyone even thought she was paying attention, let alone had her own opinion on what was being discussed. It took a few more moments of silence before the discussion began again and Rey soon found herself lost in thought. Perhaps...she should take her own words, as well as Ben’s, to heart. Don’t believe everything you hear.

***

_What are you studying?_

**Psychology, though I suppose Social Work is a more accurate description.**

**Same question.**

_Political Science, minor in Psychology._

_Though I would really like to ask you more about yours soon if you’ll let me._

**...Really? Why?**

_It’s a long story._

**I have time.**

_My mom is a politician. I guess I’ve always wanted to take after her._

**That’s sweet.**

_I guess._

_I’d like to think she’s proud of me._

**I bet she is.**

“It’s so strange, Rose,” Rey said as she put some salad on her plate. Her mind was in a spin from all the contradictions, the reputation of the man she had been messaging and what seemed to be the opposite from him. “He has this terrible reputation, but every time I talk to him, he’s so...sweet and polite. Respectful. Kinda nerdy, which I never expected to like.”

“It sounds like there’s something fishy going on,” Rose said, all seriousness despite the smile on her face. “Not trying to diss him, because you wouldn’t say he was anything that he wasn’t, but it’s weird. Why would people talk about him like that if it wasn’t true? Or at least what he wants people to think is true?”

Rey sighed, shrugging a bit. “I honestly don’t know, Rose. When I brought it up, he said “don’t believe everything you hear”. So, who knows what is true and what’s just rumor anymore.”

“Well, do you want to know what I think?”

Rey nodded, bracing herself for the hard truth that only her best friend could give. “Yes, please. Tell me.”

“Ignore everything else. If you think he’s worth it, then go for it.”

Rey nodded, staring down at her salad for a moment. It didn’t take her long to come to the decision, but now...for the action, the hardest part of all. If Ben Solo, campus playboy and the sweetest guy she’d met in far too long, wasn’t going to ask her out? Well then, she’d just have to do it herself.

  
  


**Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?**

**Friday night? Dinner?**

_Yeah, I’d really like that._

***

It wasn’t five minutes after Rose walked into their shared apartment that evening that she knew something was different. For better or worse, it wasn’t clear, but the look on her face spoke every word she wasn’t saying.

“I asked him out, Rose,” Rey said in reply, letting the smile she had been holding back since he said yes. “We’re going to dinner on Friday night. Think I can borrow a dress?”

The next days followed like a blur, one folding into the next, though the nerves that bubbled to the surface the closer the heart marked date on the calendar approached began to overwhelm even Rey’s normally calm demeanor. It wasn’t until Thursday evening, surrounded by cute outfits and dresses in Rose’s room, that she began to speak the feelings that had been disturbing her. 

“What if we go out and he doesn’t like me? What if everything we’ve talked about, everything he’s said has just been an act and he really is the playboy jerk that everyone else says he is,” Rey asked as she stood in front of the mirror, uncomfortably shifting in a beautiful dress that felt far too short and revealing. 

“You said he doesn’t seem like that guy, that he’s different,” Rose replied, settling Rey’s hands to keep her from ripping the skirt clean off. “If your judgment says he’s who he says he is, go with that. You’re nervous. Do you think I wasn’t the first time I went out with Finn?” 

“No, I know you were nervous. Who do you think spent the afternoon before your date with him holding back your hair while you threw up in the bathroom?” 

Rose rolled her eyes before turning back to find something else for her to try on. “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to bring that up?” 

“No, I don’t believe that’s what we agreed on not remembering about that night,” Rey shot back, unzipping the dress and letting it drop to the floor. “I suppose…” 

“We are not talking about that either,” Rose snapped, then sighed. “He and Poe are really happy. That’s all that matters, and it’s not like I haven’t been on my fair share of dates since then. Besides, that’s not the point. We’re talking about you.” 

Rey shook her head. “I really don’t want to talk about me. I’m moving on. I’m going out with Ben tomorrow night. Do you really think I would be wearing a _dress_ for no reason at all?” 

“Yes, yes… We all know you hate dresses, but you are going to look beautiful tomorrow night. And you’re you, pretty much perfect. Ben isn’t going to know what hit him.”

***

Rey sat on her bed as she heard the knock at the door, looking out the window out onto the sunset. The silence that had preceded it had been comforting, though it also felt like the calm before a storm. She knew she was being far too dramatic about things, looking at dinner and potentially sex like the end of the world, but to her, it did feel like it. The end of a part of her life that had been tainted by loneliness and regret, wondering what might have been if she had just opened herself up to someone that she loved. The prospect of something fun and different, with someone...interesting. 

“Rey, did you hear the door,” Rose called out from the next room, making Rey stir enough to stand and walk out of her bedroom. 

Opening the door, Rey took a step back and smiled when she saw Ben standing on the other side. He was dressed simply but well, in a dark jacket and pants and a white shirt underneath, looking handsome with his dark hair swept back as to not be in his eyes. _His eyes_ , dark and shining yet somehow familiar...as if he stepped out of a dream into reality right there in front of her. 

“Hi,” she said, feeling her breath leave her in a rush. She knew she was blushing, her cheeks burning as bright as they surely were under the slightest bit of makeup that she and Rose had agreed on. He was surely thinking her ridiculous, but somehow she didn’t care in the slightest. 

In the moments she looked away, Rey missed something she surely would have wanted to see. Ben, standing at her door with a bouquet of flowers, _speechless_. She was dressed simply, her white sundress coupled with a pink jacket bursting with flowers. It was unusually feminine for a girl who was most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, more often than not worn out enough for holes that many would pay a premium for. Once she looked up at him again, all appearances of the surprise were gone, left only with a smile that somehow made his eyes sparkle even more. 

“You look beautiful,” he said, handing her the small bouquet of roses and leaning down to kiss her cheek. “Your pictures don’t do you justice.” 

It was at that moment that Rey realized they were truly alone, Rose, who would have normally made a comment or some sort of sound at their display, had seen herself out. It somehow brought a sense of relief that they were alone, they could be themselves without being watched. Just the two of them. 

She brought the flowers up to her nose, breathing in their sweet scent, smiling up at Ben again. “Thank you. I love the flowers and you...you look incredible.” 

Ben shuffled a bit awkwardly, not entirely sure what to say that would sound at all charming and worthy of her, which Rey found adorable. Instead of letting him flounder any longer after putting the flowers in some water, she walked back over to him and held out her hand for him to take if he wanted to. “Are you ready to go? I’m not sure where or what you had planned for us tonight.” 

“Oh, um…yeah. I made us reservations,” he said, taking her hand and letting her arm wrap up in his. “I wasn’t sure what you like, honestly I should have asked. You like Italian, right?” 

Rey nodded, closing and locking the door once they walked out together. “I love Italian.” 

***

“So, I just thought… I liked working with my hands, but I couldn’t imagine not wanting to help more kids like me,” Rey said, twirling her pasta on her fork as she talked. From her apartment to the restaurant and into dinner, the conversation had flowed easily. There wasn’t a topic that felt strained, even the ones that weren’t something Rey would normally bring up on a first date. Or at all with someone she hadn’t known for years. Talking to Ben made it easier. “I’m not sure how much I’d be able to help, but every little bit is worth it. Right?” 

Ben nodded, finishing a bit of his own meal before replying. “Right, because you never know what kind of impact that little bit is going to have on someone. Honestly, pretty much anything you could do will have an impact on another person, whether you actually interact with them or not.” 

Rey shrugged at that, not necessarily knowing if it was true, but it was a nice thought nonetheless. “I suppose you’re right about that. It’s hard to see the impact you can have on someone when they’re right in front of you. It takes time.” She paused, thinking that over for a few moments, committing that thought to memory for later before changing the subject. “So, you said you got into politics because of your mom?” 

“Yeah, it is… I guess I’ve always looked up to her and wanted to do something as meaningful with my life as she has,” he said, shrugging a bit before taking a sip of wine. “I mean, I look up to my dad a lot too, but I got a really great scholarship here. So, political science and football was a lot better opportunity for me than the military.” 

Rey nodded, wiping her mouth after her last bite. “I can understand that… Or well, some of it. I never knew my parents, but the whole weighing opportunities thing makes sense. In the end, you just have to do what you think is best for you and hope that it all still turns out alright.” 

Ben sighed, hesitating for a bit before reaching across the table for her hand. “So, I um… I wanted to ask you something. If you’re comfortable answering it?” 

“Yeah, sure. I mean...should I be nervous that you’re nervous?” 

“No! I mean...no, you don’t have to be nervous. It’s not a bad question, just… I don’t know what you’re going to say, so _I’m_ nervous, even though I probably shouldn’t be. And now I’m rambling. Shut up, Ben,” he said, looking as annoyed with himself as he sounded. 

Rey turned her hand over to take his as he rambled, squeezing it to let him know she was there. “Why don’t you just ask and we can find out what I’ll say?” 

“Okay, yeah” he breathed, nodding. “Do you want to come back to my place?” 

***

**I’m going over to Ben’s place tonight. Don’t wait up.**

_Have fun! Did you bring the condoms?_

**Yeah, I have a few in my purse...**

_Nervous?_

**Yeah.**

_You like him, don’t you? The date was good?_

**The date was perfect. Best night I’ve had in a really long time.**

_Then what’s the problem?_

**You know it’s been a long time. Since even before Kaydel.**

**What if I’m not good? What if I disappoint him?** **What if he decides after this that I’m not worth it?**

_Listen to me for a second, okay? You are amazing. Ben obviously sees it, if he has eyes or any brains. Relax. It’s not going to be fun or good if you’re nervous._

_Breathe. Love you. See you tomorrow._

**Thanks, Rose. Love you too.**

  
  


The trip back to Ben’s place was quick, though not quite quick enough for Rey. She fidgeted in the passenger seat beside Ben, looking at him before shifting her gaze back to the road or whatever she could see out the window. To say she was nervous was an understatement, her leg twitching and bouncing up and down in anticipation of the night they had ahead, but it wasn’t nerves that made her _afraid_. It was Ben, a guy she liked spending time with, liked talking to. If the night was going to end in sex, it was because they both chose it. It would be fun. 

Wouldn’t it? 

“I think we may need to stop on the way back to my place… Shouldn’t take long,” Ben said after a few moments, looking toward the drug store on a nearby street corner. His hand came down and patted his coat pocket, sighing almost in relief and nodding when he felt his wallet still sitting exactly where he put it when they left the restaurant. 

“If you think we need condoms, we don’t. I brought a few with me,” Rey replied, sharing a glance with Ben as he stopped at a traffic light. It was only for a moment, but the look in his eyes was enough to set Rey aflame. My _god_ was he gorgeous. “Always be prepared, right?” 

Ben chuckled a bit at that, somehow that little bit of foresight broke the wave of nerves for both of them, just for a moment. “Well, look at you. Always full of surprises.” 

“I learned from the best. I was a girl scout after all,” she teased, leaning over to kiss his cheek gently before pulling away when the car behind them honked their horn insistently. She settled back down in her seat and allowed herself to enjoy the thoroughly bemused expression on his face before it disappeared, changing into one similar to the serious one of before but...relaxed. Like one worry had been erased from his mind. 

If there was one thing Rey knew, she was going to enjoy this. 

***

“Here we are,” Ben said as he unlocked the door to his apartment and opened it, the entire floor and the apartment within thankfully silent. “Home sweet home.” 

Rey stepped inside behind Ben, looking around the apartment as she slipped out of her coat and shoes. It was nice, but not at all what she expected. Everything in its proper place, organized and not at all chaotic. It didn’t seem at all like two boys lived in it. 

“This is a really nice place,” she said, turning back to Ben after she finished her cursory look of the living area, noticing the kitchen off to the side and the hallway that she assumed led back to the roommate. “How’d you manage a single apartment? I thought they were all at least doubles?” 

Ben tilted his head a bit, confused, before his expression cleared. “Oh no, I have a roommate. He’s just very thankfully not home right now, probably out with his boyfriend.” 

Rey groaned a bit to herself, tilting her head back before laughing. “Right, you did say you had a roommate. Who would supply the cute but cheesy pick-up lines? I swear I do listen to you. I just forgot.”

“It’s alright, I’m sure there are a few things that you’ve told me that I forgot too,” he replied, leaning down to press a kiss to her hair, almost as if it was a habit he couldn’t wait to pick up. “Would you like a drink? I’m sure Poe left us something in the fridge, hopefully, something other than beer.” 

“Whatever you’re having is fine, or just a glass of water… I don’t want to impose too much.” 

“Oh stop, you’re not imposing. You’re a guest,” Ben said before opening the fridge to look inside, soon pulling out a bottle of wine. “We’re in luck, he didn’t steal the bottle I bought for tonight.” 

Sitting on one of the barstools that surrounded the tiny breakfast nook, Rey brought her stockinged legs up to cross underneath her. “So, you like with Poe Dameron, huh? I can only imagine what that’s like. I’ve only ever heard stories about him.” 

Ben poured wine into two glasses before walking over to join her, squeezing himself rather uncomfortably, at least to Rey, into the spot next to her. “We’ve been friends since we were babies, so I guess he’s just...Poe. He does have a reputation of his own, so I can imagine what you’ve probably heard about him.” 

“Well, considering he snatched the very guy _my_ roommate had a huge crush on, there was a lot of shit-talking in our apartment for a while, but I never try to hold anything like that against anyone. She was pissed, so being a supportive roommate… I’m sure you know how that all went.” 

Ben winced, letting his arm rest on the back of the window sill behind them, his hand just close to her shoulder that she could imagine what it would be like if he touched her. “Yeah, he tends to do that. It’s not the first time, though...the guy he’s dating now, Finn, might be the last.” 

“Yeah,” Rey sighed, shaking her head. “Rose really liked him.”

“Apologize to her for me? I know Poe probably won’t ever talk to her, out of respect and not wanting to gloat, but...he’s not a bad guy. He’d say he was sorry.” 

Rey nodded, looking up at him with a smile. “I will. I promise.”

It only took a moment, one second to decide. 

_Do it, Rey. Be brave._

A touch. A breath. A _kiss._

***

“God, _Rey_ ,” Ben whispered as Rey kissed down his neck, his hands still moving down her back as they made their way back toward his bedroom. It had only took the first kiss, gentle and chaste, to change him from the sweet man she had been talking to all night into someone else entirely. “You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe this is real. That you’re real.” 

Rey shivered as he spoke, his words doing something that made her melt against him. “You can’t just say things like that if you’re not going to deliver,” she replied breathlessly, licking her lips as she looked Ben in the eyes. “Are you? Going to take me to bed? Take what you want from me?” 

It took a moment to realize that perhaps she had gone too far, taken her words to some kind of level that he was quite ready for. When he didn’t speak for one minute, two...the only expression on his face being one of complete shock, she made to pull away and put distance between them. “I’m sorry. That was too much,” she said, taking a deep breath and looking down at the floor. “I should know better than to talk like that on a first date.” 

Once Ben came back to himself, it was his turn to stammer and blush. “No, no, please don’t be sorry,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “That was… I liked that. A lot. I just… We need to talk first, I think. Before we go any further. Can we go sit down?”

Rey took the hand Ben offered her, the part of her terrified that he would lead her to the door to say goodnight sighing in relief when they walked into his bedroom instead. “I should have brought all of this up sooner, but I wanted to have a good night with you. One good night,” he said, everything that was relaxed about him before now wound up tight like a spring. 

Once they both sat on the bed, Rey tried to breathe, calming her racing heart and noticing that Ben was likely trying to do the same. They shared a look, one that said anything and everything that was on their minds, before looking down to try and breathe again. “It doesn’t have to stop being a good night,” Rey said, for the first time realizing what he was saying. Did she still have it all wrong? “Unless...you want me to go home?”

Ben shook his head again, reaching for Rey’s hand to hold. “No, I don’t want you to go. We just...need to talk about a few things. If you want to go home once we’re done, I’ll take you. I really hope you want to stay though.”

After a few moments of silence, which felt like an eternity, Ben finally spoke again, his voice quiet and tentative. “So, I… I guess I need to explain a lot of things before we sleep together, so you know what you’re getting into.” Another pause. A deep breath. “I know I have a reputation, one that brings a lot more attention, both negative and positive, than I’d like.”

Rey shook her head, moving closer to Ben. “You know I don’t care about that. I like _you_ and you’re nothing like I expected.”

“Thanks,” he replied, his cheeks turning a rather charming shade of pink. There really wasn’t anything that Ben could do that Rey wouldn’t find incredibly attractive, was there? Even the simplest things seemed to endear him to her. “But there’s a reason for it… I never really disputed that reputation because I guess deep down, I kind of liked it. It wasn’t hard to find someone, even after it became clear that they were only with me because it would make them popular or because they wanted sex.”

Rey shifted uncomfortably on the bed, fiddling with the blanket between her fingers. She knew that he probably saw her as just another one of those girls, looking for sex without an attachment, because attachment meant heartbreak. “I guess I can’t say I’m much different than all those other girls,” she said, shrugging. 

A touch on her cheek made Rey look back up again, that with the tender look in his eyes making her feel even more stupid for doubting. “Hey, you are different,” he said, sighing. “I’m messing this up… I need to just say what I need to say. You’re special, for so many reasons, but I guess there’s one that is more important now than all the rest. I...I want you to be the first. My first.”

It took a few moments for Rey to process what he was telling her, to understand the very important words that had just left his mouth. _I want you to be the first. My first._ If there were any words that could break her brain more, she couldn’t imagine them. 

“Rey,” Ben said after a moment, waving his hand in front of her face. “You in there? You’re...quiet.”

“Yeah, um...yeah, I’m here. Sorry,” she said, blinking a few times. “I guess I’m just trying to … are you serious? I mean, you’ve never…?”

“There are not many other explanations for it,” he snapped, before sighing, shaking his head. Getting frustrated when she was just trying to understand wouldn’t do anything to hopefully get her in his bed soon enough. “Sorry...yes, that’s what I meant. I’ve never slept with anyone before. Ever. Not once.”

“But...you want to, with me?” 

“Yeah.”

_Wow._

Rey blushed, giggling despite herself. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you. I’m just...really? Me?” 

Instead of replying, Ben leaned in for a small, gentle kiss. A kiss that melted every bit of resolve that Rey had, not that she had much in the first place. 

A kiss. _“Please stay.”_

Another. _“I want you.”_

A sigh. A deep breath. A moment of truth. _“Please don’t go.”_

***

Rey sat at her usual table, pushing around the remaining vegetables on her hastily prepared plate. It already felt like the stares of people were finding her, as if they knew what she had done with their near-constant subject of gossip. It had been three days since her first date with Ben, a night that was both wonderful and terrifying in equal measure. A night that made her feel things that she doubted she had ever felt before. 

Three days of silence. 

“Alright, Johnson, the three of us are having a talk,” a voice said from behind Rey, the unfamiliar man it belonged to sitting across the dining hall table from her with someone who was altogether more familiar to her.

“Hello, Finn,” she replied, pushing her half-empty plate aside. “And I’m assuming you’re Poe? I’ve heard plenty about you and I’m assuming you’ve heard the same. Why are you here?”

Poe scoffed at Rey’s reply, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. “You know exactly why I’m here. We need to talk about Ben.” 

Rey shook her head, picking up her bag and her plate. If she was going to discuss this with _anyone_ , it definitely wasn’t going to be with someone she’d never officially met somewhere where every square inch of the room had ears and a love of gossip. The last thing she needed was to be the subject of the new weekly “story” shared around campus. “No, we don’t. What’s going on between us is none of your business. Why do you even care?”

Both men didn’t skip a beat as they got up to follow her, as if they expected her to try and run away from their ambush. It seemed though that they had enough sense, or at least enough to read the room, to allow a bit more privacy before answering. “Because he’s my roommate, my best friend,” Poe replied, reaching out to touch Rey’s arm to get her to stop and listen to him. “I don’t know what happened between you two, only that one day he couldn’t stop thinking and talking about you, and the next he’s dead silent. It sounded like you’d be good for him, someone that actually cared about _him_. Am I wrong? Was he wrong?” 

Rey let her forehead rest against the door of her building, closing her eyes. She knew, deep in her heart, that her silence was hurting him. “No, you’re not wrong. Neither of you were wrong.” 

“Then do the right thing.” 

***

_Hey..._

_It’s been a few days. I haven’t heard from you._

**Hey... Yeah, I’m sorry.**

**I’ve been really busy.**

_Yeah. Busy._

**You don’t believe me?**

_Just seems really convenient._

_You’re suddenly busy._

**_Ben, come on._ **

_Look, if you don’t want to see me again. At least tell me. Don’t shut me out._

**I do want to see you again.**

_Then what’s the problem?_

**THAT’S the problem!**

**I like you. Too much.**

**You don’t need to be stuck with someone like me.**

_You’re not making any sense._

**... I know.**

**I’m sorry.**

_Try explaining? I’d appreciate some honesty._

**I’m not good for you. I’m not...good at liking someone. It scares me.**

**I’m going to end up breaking your heart and that’s the last thing I want.**

_I can’t ask you to be with me if you don’t want to._

_But I like you too. A lot._

_All I ask is just...give me a shot. Think about it. Please._

***

It was in the rare quiet moments when Rey allowed herself to look back on her life, on the decisions that led to where she was now. To the person she was today.

Rey leaned against the wall of her room, looking out the window with a glass of wine in hand. It was probably a mistake to drink when taking a long, hard look at yourself, especially when that look uncovered some difficult truths, but sometimes it was the only way to get enough courage to just...do it. Rey finished the glass of wine before pouring herself another, watching the rain fall in sheets to the ground, the weather matching her dark mood.

_“Rey... I love you.”_

_Rey froze as the words she had both hoped for in the deepest, darkest parts of her heart, but also dreaded. Those were the three words she never wanted to hear, because if she did?_

_She would have to leave._

_“No... You can’t mean that. You don’t love me,” Rey replied, standing and pacing the room. She could see Kaydel’s face fall out of the corner of her eyes, the brightness in her beautiful eyes fading, the sight Rey hated to see._

_“I don’t understand, Rey. What are you saying?” She stood, approaching and reaching out to touch Rey’s arm, needing to understand what was happening._

_As soon as Rey felt the gentle touch, still somehow so careful and loving even with what she was doing, she pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself. “You need to take it back. You can’t love me,” she said, trying desperately to keep her voice level and even. If she became as hysterical as she felt, Kaydel would never take her seriously._

_“Why not? You’re not making any sense,” Kaydel shouted, quickly losing whatever composure she had left. “I don’t understand what you’re saying!”_

_They stood, silent. Face to face. A moment of truth._

_“Because if you love me, I have to leave. I don’t want to leave.”_

_“Rey... You don’t have to leave.”_

_“Yes, I do. If you can’t take it back, then I can’t stay.”_

_It only took a moment for Rey to realize what she had to do, that she would have to break both their hearts to do it. If Kaydel loved her, she couldn’t stay. Not when she knew herself incapable of returning the feeling. It was a few steps toward the door, but they were the hardest she had ever taken in her life._

_“Rey... Wait!”_

_“I don’t love you! It’s over!”_

Rey closed her eyes to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. That night would always stay in her mind of both her greatest mistake, hurting someone who loved her so much and had made her feel like she could somehow love in return, even though it was impossible to admit it. Her greatest fear was now her greatest regret.

“I’m so sorry, Kaydel,” she cried to herself, knowing that there was no one else to hear her. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I couldn’t let you love me. You deserve so much better.”

Rey slid down the wall until she hit the floor, her now empty wine glass falling and breaking into pieces beside her. She didn’t care if it spilled, if she cut her hands or legs on the tiny shards of glass that now were scattered across the floor, all that mattered was the pain. The feeling of heartbreak and loss made breathing seem impossible, her heart beating out of her chest with the effort of her tears. 

_How did I get here? How am I so messed up?_

It wasn’t always easy growing up, helpless and alone, moving from home to home with no end in sight. Always waiting for the next time to leave and start somewhere new. She knew it messed her up, not being able to trust anyone until Rose walked into her life and _stayed_ and later Kaydel, but...she never imagined it would ruin things so dramatically. That she would be so afraid to care and love and want to be with someone through everything, good or bad.

Could she be a woman who was loved and could love in return? Even if she was afraid? 

There was only one way to find out. 

***

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Rey paced in front of the door to Ben’s apartment, silently praying that he’d answer the door and not just ignore her. She wouldn’t blame him if he did, after the way she treated him, but there was only one way that Rey knew how to make this right. Honesty, laying everything out on the table, and hoping that somehow he’d still want her at the end of it. 

“Hello Rey,” Poe said when he opened the door, seeing her on the other side instead of his boyfriend. 

Rey turned to look at him, seeing the wary expression on his face, surely wondering if she was here to break Ben’s heart or give him everything he wanted. “Hi, Poe… Is Ben here? I’d like to talk to him.” 

It only took a split second for the wary look on Poe’s face to turn into something different, something far more severe. The door closed behind him as he moved to stand in front of it, blocking any way for Rey to get inside except through him. “Why do you want to talk to him? What are you going to say?” 

Rey signed, rubbing her gloved hand over her face. So, it was going to be _that_ kind of conversation. “Look, I need to tell Ben exactly why I’ve been so...distant and freaked out lately. He deserves to know, don’t you think?” 

“Fine, yeah,” Poe replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “He does deserve to know, but if you’re just going to break his heart, just call him.” 

Rey rolled her eyes. “What? So you could corner me in the dining hall again? Even if I was here to do that, no thanks.” 

Poe paused, giving Rey a look that made her wonder what he was thinking. Was he wondering if she was lying? Or if she was just telling him what he wanted to hear to get out of the way? It took a few long moments of silence for her to find the answer, when something in his expression and manner shifted to something more amenable, perhaps even affectionate. 

“You really like him, don’t you?” 

Rey took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before nodding and looking down at her feet. “Yeah, I do. I really do.” 

“I like you too, Rey.”

When Rey looked up again at the familiar voice, though not belonging to the man she had been talking to, the smile that came out whenever she thought of Ben burst through, though quite a bit shyer. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, not sure how much of their conversation anyone else could hear. This certainly wasn’t how she planned to come out and _say_ she actually liked someone for the first time. Rey paced the floor again as she spoke, knowing that if she looked Ben in the eye, she’d never be able to get out what she needed to say. “I owe you so many more apologies than this, but I am… I know I’m not the right girl for you. I’m distant and quiet, I don’t know how to say what I want. It takes me _way_ too long to trust people,” she said, stopping for a minute to keep from crying. “But I trust you… You make it easy and it scares me to death.” 

“Hey,” he whispered, wrapping Rey up in his arms and tilting her chin up to look at him. Her eyes were closed tight, trying desperately to keep the tears that had filled them from overflowing. “The only girl in the world I want is right in front of me. I don’t care about any of that stuff, even if it’s true. To me...you’re sweet, kind, patient. You listened and took me seriously when so many other girls didn’t when they assumed they knew what I wanted more than I did. You cared.” 

Rey pulled away and buried her face in Ben’s chest, not wanting him to see her cry, especially when it was the only thing she wanted to do. “They’re idiots, all of them. You’re amazing.”

“So are you,” Ben replied, kissing her hair and rocking her gently. “I’m not asking for forever right now… I just want you to stay. Do you think we could do that?” 

A moment. Silence. 

_Be brave._

Lifting her head to look at Ben, tears swimming in her eyes, she nodded once. 

It was enough. 


End file.
